1:48 a.m. - 05.08.08
magnolias
20 days sober.
a kaleidoscope of confusion, mixing and matching images in my head like a scene from clueless or maybe pretty in pink. images, images, changing and turning and me in the middle of it all, falling and flailing but not failing. never failing again. caught up but confused, persistent but perplexed. refusing to wait, not having the option to do otherwise. doing, doing, doing, running, dancing, sleeping, loving, accepting, knowing, knowing, knowing. i've got the knowing back.
it has taken me far, far, far away from where i started, but right back to where i began. caught up in the wonderment, not wanderlust. traveling, not vagabonding. exploring, not running. knowing, not wondering. waiting for the right moment (its usually in summer). and a complete lack of apologies, because i'm not sorry. i'll never be sorry again. i will be playing, playing, always playing, learning how to say no, having the time of my life. replacing bitter memories with brand new faces, brand new places, stories that don't start with the words 'i was drunk...' and aren't riddled with inconsistencies due to blackouts. laughter like old familiar melodies, loving without expectation, and a constant awareness of boundaries but not of limitations.
like always, remember?
falling into the ocean, sleeping into sunsets, waking into wonder, slipping into surrender, humming with happiness and the sounds of the sweetest song i've ever heard.
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