12:49 a.m. - 07.24.11
hope
we see each other differently now. well, the truth is i don't think you see me at all.
sometimes i imagine running into you on the streets or in a starbucks or on my way to class and my heart stops, my breath catches, my world falls apart for 3 seconds, even just at the thought of it. and then i shake it off and move on.
i wonder what i would do, is the part that scares me the most. would my world fall apart? probably not. but would i want to hug you, kiss you, hold you? love you? would i even recognize you? would i want to hurt you? or run away? or ignore you? would our conversation be halted, stilted, fake how-are-yous and take-cares and keep-in-touches? what if you were on the arm of someone else? what if you're not?
there are no remnants of you in my life anymore. time took care of what i couldn't. ships passing in the night, opposite ends of the world. letting you go was the hardest thing i've ever done but i did it and it took forever and it was all-consuming, just letting you go, it was harder than letting you in. but i did it. i did it! and i'm happy. sometimes i cry a little but i'm happy. sometimes that makes me sad, that we could be happy without each other, but sad in a happy way. like "i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with you, but i guess i'm not, and that's okay. take care" kind of way.
i'm not nice enough to wish you the best and happiness. but i do know that you'll be okay without me. and i'm okay with that now.
i love you but i never want to see you again.
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